Please get OFF my LJ! I did not invite you nor have you spoken to me. I can't read your posts anyway, being in another language.

I am *FRIENDS ONLY*

Maybe it is just PMS but, I am in such a deep hole. How could I be so naive marrying him. I knew he had Schizophrenia, but I never realized how he has brought me down. We had fun in our early marriage. Now we have a child and he is not taking very good finacial care of us. His dad had to buy our groceries and we needed so much that it went over the $250 he gave me and I bought $70.00 of it out of my small SS unemployment check.

I feel like there is a weight on me so much of the time. Why did I not see? God doesn't do this to people, maybe the devil...I don't know, but I know if he doesn't get help with his money soon, Alex and I must leave.

Nights like tonight I wish I was dead! No energy, don't give a f*** that my house is a dusty, cluttered mess from hell! I'm alone with no one to help me. I wish sometimes God would take me home if he will let me in.......but Alex needs his mommy. I think that is the only thing that keeps me from killing myself sometimes.

I know.......no man is worth suicide, but I have "become" so dependent on him I'm not sure how to leave. I know my family would help me and no question that I would have full custody of Alex, that is what my Psychologist said even with my Bipolar II, the sickness M has, his occasional violent outbursts, if he misses his meds he goes crazy and scares poor Alexander to death. There is no way a court would give Alex to him.

If I'm sad, he says what's wrong? But he knows already and no amount of talking will change him. I just wish it was faster in finding him a good Psychiatrist.

Want to go to bed forever though I would miss my Alex.

What did I ever do to deserve this? Maybe I am just weak.

I couldn't stop laughing! I really needed this tonight! :)



I hope this works.

I'm alone and hurting and only one person ever replies to me though how can I blame them when I rarely reply to others myself. I feel like dying. Not sure I love my husband anymore because he doesn't take care of us finacially the way he should. He is selfish in what he wants to do and doesn't seem to care what I think. He just gets mad and I cower down...codependent that I am. He has an anger problem too.

I am thinking of doing a friend's cut (I forgot the abbreviation it has been so long) cause I just can't seem to find the time to write like I want to and I don't have the energy. If anyone wants to stay on my besides a few I will always keep, let me know. I am really feeling sorry for myself. Why is life so fucking hard?

I want to know you all better.

Potty training Alexander! About to lose my mind. My husband stayed home to do most of it. We are going CRAZY! He has to be ready by August to go back to his private school. Alex is SO STUBBORN!!!!

Just KILL ME!!!

Why is life so hard sometimes?! Wanted to die tonight.

Sometimes I think I picked the wrong man. Everything has changed. Maybe it is all my fault too. Sex sucked tonight and he hurt me though he didn't mean to. He wants a wild woman in bed and I want a tender man. Am I wrong? Is he wrong?

So much stress in my life right now too, trying to potty train a VERY STUBBORN BOY!...before Aug. or he can't continue going to his private school.

More later when not so freaking Tired.

This really happened tonight and I needed to laugh.


"The Ghost Story in Our House Tonight"
_____________________________________________

The weirdest thing just happened to me while I was in the kitchen looking for stamps. M's downstairs and Alex is sleeping........ok, I'm standing there in the half dark, half light kitchen.......I hear this strange sound sort of like a door squeaking, but not exactly, more like an eerie voice, then kind of a low bang, these noises sort of sound like they are outside, but inside too......then the tick-toc clock above me immediately makes this strange winding sound. I'm sure it must have been nothing, but I looked around the kitchen, then around the corner at the dark living room to see if any light or "orbs" were floating around, like on those haunted mystery shows, .........and it is not even Halloween. Our house was built in 1960 before I was born. We've been here 10 years; could we be haunted and they are just now making themselves known?

Maybe I DO need to be on an Antipsychotic after all.

heheehehehheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

PS.........or maybe a dustbunny just sneezed and set off the clock..........

Go ahead.........call the men in the little white coats. :-)

The TV show LOST is back Jan. 31, Thursday!!! I'm so HAPPY. So sick of crappy TV! (No offense to the lovers of reality shows.)

It is suppose to be a two hour show; 8pm to 10pm EST.

YIPPEE!!!

I feel too down to even write a post. Just checking in and sorry I don't answer more posts. I'm lonely and just want to sleep. The weekends are slow here and on my email lists.

Part of my being down is that my husband is back friends with that drug dealer. He claims he is not and will never do drugs again and I believe him, but i don't trust his "friend" the drug dealer who has already tried to get him back on drugs and Michael refused. I am pretty sure I would know if M was on Meth again. I know the signs. I won't be gullible again! M had the nerve to drive up with him in the car and was trying to hide it from me. I told him I would call the cops if that bastard ever set foot on our property again. So he left and I told him he better be back in 30 minutes because I wasn't sure what I might do this time. It 12:30 a.m.....not to mention Alex is afraid of shadows now and wakes up screaming for me. It is so hard. I need M here to help.

I got to take that nap now.

Later

I am making a list of my complaints about Alex. Seems I was unaware that I was making them. Michael doesn't like me complaining to him or in front of Alex. I get tired and frustrated and say things I shouldn't. M had been holding it in and then exploding at me about it and I would have no idea what he was talking about. I would get my feelings hurt and just cry. So starting my list now to show to my Psychologist so we can decide if I was valid for feeling the way I did and if I should not say anything even if I am very upset at Alex.

This is my personal file I will print out before my next appointment. I will keep adding to it. You can read it or not.

( Read more... )

Nothing else today, just sitting here drinking my coffee at the moment. Will shower soon and see if I can shake this bad mood. I'm tired, but sleeping anymore is impossible. When will I ever not feel like crying again? I hate this bipolar depression alone with being too sensitive. My husband can be too critical. He is not going to change. I am the only one that can change myself for the good of me and my family. If he wants to continue to be an ass, there is nothing I can do about it except ignore him or stand up to him. He may have good intentions, but he does not know how to use tact, never has he says. Won't even try.

Oh well shutting up now.

Hope you all have a nice Sunday.

I see where an old friend of mine deleted his account. I have no idea when cause I was gone a long time too. Does anyone remember "acetomeniphine"? Did he possibly change his name or start a new account? Also can't get in touch with "forensic_chic" or "raiinstorm". Let me know if anyone knows. Thanks!

Well it looks like a lot of people have thrown me off their lists. I am barely around. Life has been so hard. Thank you to those that kept me. I have been through horrible med changes that has not helped much + messed up my stomach (you don't want to know, just that I keep Imodium AD in business).

Things are going better with my 2 year old son because he is starting to play by himself more so I can do other things sometimes. Not that I don't love him and love playing with him. He is so cute and such a clown. He was just making me laugh this morning. He is so full of energy and messy beyond belief.

We just got him his first big boy bed, but he has been back to sleeping with us again. It is going to be SO hard to get him to sleep in his new bed. He is determinded to sleep with mom and dad.

I am trying to get out more, but it is hard. My Psychologist wants me to start walking and doing stuff on my own. I isolate way too much still and have been dependent on my husband TOO much. I am feeling a little stronger today. I am happy though cause Sat. Alexander and I always go to my parent's house around 3 or 4 p.m. and stay till 9 or 10 p.m. Sometimes my husband comes over for awhile, but he is always busy with something + being Schizophrenic he doesn't like to be around a lot of people for a long time.

I need to look up and see when the new Season of LOST starts. I can't wait to see it though was quite sad to see (SPOILER) ( Read more... ) go last time.

Well I have to go fix my son a snack.

More later I hope.

PS. Mood Aggravated cause Alex was climbing all over my back and pulling my hair while I was typing. GEEZ!

Well I can finally get to my friends page again, but the weirdest thing is one of my friend's posts are showing up from June/July at the top of the page??? There is still something wrong. They shouldn't be there.

I don't understand it. mohead has banded me from commenting on his post. I was not part of all that drama that was going on. I don't know any of those people. Mohead always made me laugh. Why would he delete me and ban me? Have any of you been banned that know him? Is it because I didn't delete his wife? I don't take sides. Whatever problems they have I just stay out of it. I'm hurt. Sorry this is LJ drama, but I had a shitty day yesterday and then I come on here and think "great! mohead posted something fun" and then it says I can't post. Sorry, I'm pmsing so that isn't helping.

PS. I wouldn't be so upset if it was somebody that never talked to me or me to him/her, but I thought we were friends. He used to joke around with me.

Does anyone know what happened to nyxlover? The account has been deleted? She was on my friends list. AT least I think she was a she. Anyway she posted not long ago and now is just gone with no word I don't think. :(

That is the second person I know that has deleted their account. :(

Crap!

Poll #825296 Biploar silly question
Open to: Friends, detailed results viewable to: Friends, participants: 16

How many of you are Bipolar and a Scorpio?

HELP! Is there anyone out there that has Bipolar II and how do you deal with coming down off a manic episode? I am feeling nuts again and depressed a little and very alone. Any help would be appreciated. Do you know any books that are good on the subject too?

Sorry to repost this, want the people to see it that I cut from my flist. I hope making it public they can see it. Everyone else just ignore it.

Well i was going through my flist on my info page and realized I had tons of friends, but not "mutual" friends meaning they had cut me. It hurt a little but that is ok. I whine so much I can't believe i have all the friends I have. Anyway since they cut me I cut them as well. Everyone that reads my journal that missed my post awhile back about friends cut might want to check their info page and see if I am still there if not you might want to cut me. I have 36 people cut that still have me on their flist. Sorry, nothing personal, I just had too many journals to keep up with. Now down to 63. Still alot but better.

Got this meme from nothinsacrednic ( Read more... )

PS. Thanks to elanordh for the beautiful Eowyn and Faramir icons.

You Are Sunrise

You enjoy living a slow, fulfilling life. You enjoy living every moment, no matter how ordinary. You are a person of reflection and meditation. You start and end every day by looking inward. Caring and giving, you enjoy making people happy. You're often cooking for friends or buying them gifts. All in all, you know how to love life for what it is - not for how it should be.

 I got the same thing,
this isn't me entirely. Close, mostly
I hate cooking. lol!

lj user="debmommy22"> why won't this work??? Been using the easy way to do this, I want to learn how to type it out and make it work. Somebody help!

I got this off astudyinlife's info page. I put in my name and this is what it said. 

It's me alright!!! LOL!


debmommy22 is blah.
I've met prosthetic legs with more get-up-and-go than you. Could you be less melancholy and go out and do something?

Hey is there anyone here that lives in Tennessee or near Chattanooga TN, maybe Atlanta, GA, Alabama. I'm looking for friends that I might meet someday. As scary as that sounds. lol! I need friends. I know it is a crazy request, but just wondering. Looking for someone to go out and have coffee with or something, meaning a girlfriend. I'm married, not trying to use LJ for a dating service. I wouldn't do that.

I feel like the only one on here from TN. Hope no one takes this wrong.

deb.

I hate the holidays. I don't know why they always get me down. Everyone is suppose to be so happy and thankful and I just feel guilty and rotten. Also less people are around to post or email me and I miss them. I'm selfish I guess or just plain lost when it comes to my religion. God's waiting on me I know, but to go to church on Easter Sunday and then not go the rest of the year seems hypocritical.

Why don't I like myself? I'm tired. Suppose to eat lunch at Michael's parent's house tomorrow. Great! Another nerve racking occasion though she is a good cook. I need happy pills! I know, not good. nevermind my bad attitude. I hope the rest of you have a great day.

debmommy aka debscully

I wonder where everyone is? Some people posting, but not that many. I'm lonely. Maybe cause it is Good Friday, everyone is busy. I am wondering about a friend in particular who is Bipolar like me. I hope he is ok. I can't think of his handle. I know his first name Doug you out there? Hope everyone has a nice Easter. I don't know what I will be doing yet. I wish my spoiled rottened cat would stop meowing at me. Alright Neo I'm coming you annoying cat. Ok I let him outside. I'm watching Law and Order SVU rerun. I must be coming down from yesterday's high. I don't feel so good. Oh well that is life in the Bipolar zone. Can this post be any more boring?

Oh yeah, did the dishes and laundry so I am not a complete slug oh and swept the floor.

Wish I had a good movie to watch. Anyone seen Ice Age II? I loved the first one. Is the second one as good?

Debbers

Wow! I'm up late. I got manic tonight and just couldn't get off this computer. I've got to rest now. It was so nice to feel good I didn't want it to end. I will regret it in the morning when Alex wakes me up at 8 or 9 a.m. for breakfast.

Good night all,

Deb.

I'm sorry eoywin it is chattacons we have here with the free beer. Not Dragoncons. Sorry. I have no memory. rabidchyld pointed out that she came from Atlanta to our chattacons and then it hit me. I'm so silly, can't remember stuff. Been a long time since we went to one. Thought I would let you know.

It's raining and storming big time here. I love the rain, but I hate lightening and thunder. Oh well. Hopefully it will help me sleep. I think maybe I can now that I have answered a few posts and whined again....at least I hope so.

Well I actually did some laundry and dishes, wow! big step. lol! Alex is with his grandparents again. We're going to pick him up at 9:00 p.m.

Michael said we will rent Brokeback Mountain for Saturday to watch together. Suppose to be a really good movie.

I'm such a geek, spent most of my time on the computer today collecting and arranging icons for LJ into a folder. That's what i do for fun. If my house was as neat as my computer it would be wonderful with things where you could find them and no dust balls.

I'd like to be more of a computer geek though than i am. Took me forever to learn how to use LJ and I still have more to learn about making my own page. I always wanted to make a webpage, but it takes a lot of patience and creativity and I have seen great pages and awful ones online. I don't want mine to look like the awful ones. It should be inviting and easy on the eyes + you should be able to find and navigate it well. That's what I think anyway.

Well I'm rambling on. Talk more later.

debmommy22